what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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