I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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