I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
