I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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