The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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