if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Sext me about skeletons
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
