I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
