I think my fart just growled at me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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