for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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