They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
