today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
