So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
