He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
