I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
