i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
