She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
