I CAN MOONWALK!
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
