just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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