I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
