Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
honey bunches of taint.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
