Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
