You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
