she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
farters have to be the big spoon...
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
