I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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