I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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