Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
