i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
