About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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