Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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