Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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