I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
