Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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