ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
