1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
