Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
