there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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