Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
