I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
