Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
