I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
