Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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