Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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