Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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