Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
