I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
