That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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