He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
