so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
