my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
