It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
tequila makes me forget i have legs
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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