apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
