one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
