how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
