Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
