Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
