last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
