I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
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You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
soo... how was my night?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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