it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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